That’ll lift my spirits.” No, no one has ever said that. I’m going to put on ‘Hurt’ by Johnny Cash. At what point in your life have you ever gone, “Man, I’m in a great mood and want to live to see tomorrow. If someone plays one of these songs when they are drunk, you need to immediately take their iPod, Walkman, boombox, record player or recorder away from them - because they might be suicidal. See: “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor, “Martha” by Tom Waits, “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls, “Hurt” by Johnny Cash, “Brick” by Ben Folds Five, “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley When you’re drunk, Sir Mix-A-Lot is particularly dangerous, because it’s one of the few rap songs almost everyone knows all the words to. deserves better than skinny white dudes gyrating cluelessly while thinking they “be hood an’ shit.” You’re not hood. I actually now refuse to play “What You Know” at parties because I think T.I. I don’t know what the deal is, but when people get drunk, they think they can rap. Kelly, “Hot In Herre” by Nelly, “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot See: “California Love” by 2Pac, “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, “Ignition (Remix)” by R. You can’t hit that note, and fetch will never happen. However, drunk people should be forcibly detained when around Mariah Carey songs. They will insist that “those bitches on The Voice… they ain’t got nothing on me.” Luckily, a lot of Adele songs make more sense when you’re drunk and a little angry, so that works out. If you’re attending karaoke night, some person will always get super wasted and think they are the second coming of Adele. Have you ever heard a bunch of drunk white people try to sing Michael Jackson? It sounds like kittens drowning as they gracelessly claw for help. When people get drunk, they get brave and often forget that they can’t sing at all - not even “This Love,” which only requires about three notes. Kelly, “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, “Countdown” by Beyonce, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey See: “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele, “Fallin” by Alicia Keys, “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Songs that are way outside of your vocal range If you ever want to see a room full of totally drunk people suddenly come to attention, like a line of soldiers, play them “Take Me Home Tonight.” It’s their call to arms. What do drunk people do if they don’t listen to Eddie Money? I don’t even know. (I think it’s playing in Gary Busey’s house at all times, just on a loop.) 80’s hair metal and glam rock were created specifically for drinking. “Don’t Stop Believing” is the official national anthem of inebriated people everywhere, and the year the White Sox won the series in Chicago, you couldn’t trip over a drunk person without hearing it. See: “More Than a Feeling” by Boston, “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger, “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns ‘n Roses If you want to get fucked up and make some bad decisions in public, she’ll teach you everything you need to know. Although almost any Alanis or Fiona song is a perfect drunk jam, there’s a very special place in my heart for Courtney Love, who is like my drunken spirit animal. We’re ladies, we have lady parts, we have feelings, and goddamn it, we want to sing about them. Suddenly, we are that episode where Liz Lemon enjoys a glass of wine on a treadmill and then drunk dials a co-op board, while singing Alanis Morrisette. When we get drunk, we all become very sad, lonely women and our inner Liz Lemon comes out. See: “Stay” by Lisa Loeb, “Criminal” by Fiona Apple, “Celebrity Skin” by Hole, “Ironic” by Alanis Morrisette, “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, “Foolish Games” by Jewel
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